Whoever did this is a real asshole…

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But it makes for a hilarious GIF!

That can’t have felt good.

-Because I said so

I like love NEED to wash my hands.  I wash them very thoroughly and very vigorously on a frequent basis.  If I touch our dog, I wash my hands.  If I touch a bathroom door (or anything in a bathroom), I wash my hands.  If I touch a slightly dirty dish, I was my hands.  If I touch my hands, I wash my hands!  Well, not so much that last one, but I am very neurotic about my hands.  Why does any of this matter?  My vigorous hand washing practices can sometimes leave water on the counter around the sink.  I can’t deny that.

And now, we come to the event that has inspired this post.  I, having felt the need, went to the bathroom to, as the plebeians say, “take a dump.”  Thankfully, nobody else was in the restroom when I entered (I have a thing about using the bathroom when people are around, or can hear me, or smell my emanations, etc, but that’s a story for a different day), so I proceeded to layer toilet paper over the seat.  I sat down and took my dump.  As I prepared to commence wiping duties (hehe, “duties”), someone entered the restroom and headed into the other stall.  I finished my task, and pulled up my pants (using toilet paper as a buffer between my dirty hands and my clean pants, of course).  I heard the other individual finish up his dump as I prepared to exit my stall.  I headed to the counter and started washing my hands thoroughly, getting some water on the counter as I reached for the soap dispenser.  The other man, whom we will call “Joe” (because that’s his name), headed to the counter as well, just as I finished rinsing the soap from my hands.

He proceeded to remark, “You know, I notice that every time you wash your hands, you leave water on the counter.  I usually clean it up, but then I wondered why the hell I was cleaning up your mess.  Pay attention like you do at home.”  He then left the bathroom after a quick two-second rinse of his hands (I kid you not).  This man, “Joe”, never washes his hands after peeing, and apparently is fine with a ridiculously quick rinse after crapping.  Were I slightly bolder and less courteous, I would have replied to his rudeness with a comment of my own, “I’m sorry, does it disgust you when I leave water on the counter?  Wash your goddamn hands, you disgusting son of a bitch.”

I said no such thing, unfortunately.  Maybe next time he brings a file into my office, I’ll tell him to go wash his hands and prepare a new copy of the file for me, because I know where his hands have been.

Fuck you, “Joe”.  Wash your fucking hands.

-Because I said so

This past Tuesday, Lindsey and I were jonesing for some sandwiches.  We had a coupon book that came in the mail for Subway, so we grabbed it and headed over.  We went to our favorite Subway location, which is only a couple of blocks from our apartment, at Willow and Herndon.  It’s clean, convenient, and next door to a GameStop, Target, and Best Buy.  Generally, they’re very nice people, but we were in for a surprise on this particular trip.

We decided to use two coupons.  The first coupon was for a six-inch meal deal (six-inch sandwich, chips, and a 21 ounce drink for $5).  The second coupon was a buy one get one free (free six-inch with purchase of any sub of equal or greater value and a 32 ounce drink).  We went in thinking that these coupons were fairly straightforward.  $5 meal deal, and free six-inch with the purchase of any sub of equal or greater value.  Notice that I placed emphasis on the word “any”.

We started ordering our sandwiches.  I ordered a footlong B.L.T., and she ordered two six-inch Turkeys.  The owner was working the register when we had our sandwiches ready.  I explained (twice, since he wasn’t paying much attention to us) what we wanted to do and how we wanted to apply the coupons.  We were going to use the $5 meal deal for one of her six-inch Turkeys, and the buy one get one free for her other six-inch Turkey from the purchase of my footlong B.L.T.  It was very clearly explained to him.  He started ringing things up, and applied the buy one get one free coupon first.  When he finished with that order, he asked if we wanted any chips or a drink with my footlong.  We were understandably surprised, as we were under the impression that he had just charged me for my footlong and free six-inch.  We looked over the coupon, and noticed that he had actually charged us for one Turkey, and made the other Turkey free, meaning our $5 meal deal coupon would not be useful.  We brought this to his attention, explaining a third time how we wanted the coupons used, and he began claiming, rather belligerently, that the coupon was buy one six-inch and get one six-inch free.  He claimed it was written right there on the coupon.  We took the coupon, and showed him that it said any sub, and did not, in fact, specify that it had to be a six-inch.  This exchange continued for two or three minutes, getting more heated as time passed.  Eventually, out of exasperation on his part, he reversed the original order and did it correctly, if grudgingly.

The coupon’s text was perfectly clear that any sub of greater or equal value would get you a free six-inch sub.  The only thing his temper tantrum was able to achieve was the loss of two customers.

Fuck you, Subway dude.

-Because I said so

Anyone who has watched the MehCast on a regular basis will know that I have nothing but contempt for the TV series “Smallville”.  I think the entire series is an affront to the Superman mythos, and an embarrassment to his name.  Lindsey, however, loves the series.  This has lead to regular conflicts between us on this subject.  Since the physical proof of the TV show itself is apparently not enough to describe how much it sucks, I am always on the lookout for something, anything, that helps prove my point, hoping that one day, I would succeed.

That day may be today.

I was browsing the articles on Superhero Hype! (one of the best superhero movie news sites around), when I came across an article discussing a potential sequel to 300.  Looking in the right side bar, I saw this advertisement:

No.  Experience.  Needed.  Smallville is the McDonald’s of the tv world!  I have validation!  WOO!

-Because I said so

Almost all of you who read this blog know about our dog Donnie. For those of you who don’t, last year Chris and I adopted a dog who was already named Donnie. At the time he was 4, was owner released, and is a Terrier/Chihuahua mix. Luckily Donnie took on more of the Terrier traits and personality than the shakey Chihuahua.

We found out right away that Donnie wasn’t house trained, but at the time it wasn’t a problem since he was in a backyard. In December of last year, we moved into our current home which is an apartment and Donnie didn’t come with us right away. Instead we waited for us to get settled in so that we could bring him over, and we needed to save up for the massive $400.00 pet deposit.

When Donnie eventually joined us in February, we went to PetSmart to get him some stuff. After shopping, we spent about $230.00 on a crate for him, food, new water bowls and dishes, a pet bed, and some other stuff. The crate was so that he could be kept in it over night because the last thing we needed was to wake up and see a piss filled carpet and crap all over the place. We even got a crate one size bigger so that he would have a side to sleep on, with a little mattress pad of course, and room to walk around in. We also made sure that food and water bowls were in there too.

So far he has done well in the crate. He threw up once in it and I can’t remember any other accidents until yesterday morning.

Let me set it up for you all….

On the night of June 29th, Chris and I stayed up late. The last time Donnie went to use the restroom was close to 1 in the morning which would’ve made it the 30th. Typically Donnie is put away around 10-11 and not taken out until I wake up which varies between 9 and close to 11. On the morning of the 30th, Chris woke up at his usual time of 6:15 and went to the bathroom. He does this every morning but that time I heard him say…”oh goddamnit!” Of course that woke me up and when I looked in the direction of the bathroom, I saw Chris start to head towards the kitchen. I thought he was running late and that he was in a rush. Unfortunately I was wrong.

Chris said “oh goddamnit!” because he smelled shit. Originally he thought it was coming from Moogles litter box because we keep that in the bathroom. When he saw no evidence, he then started to look around on the floor. Nothing was there. When he went into the kitchen and looked at Donnie’s crate… he found the culprit.

In the crate there were two big piles of shit. One was of a regular consistency that was partially on the floor of the crate and partially on his little mattress, the other was very squishy and only half of that made it into the crate. The rest, lovingly, was on our kitchen tile. I offered to clean it up but Chris refused to let me get out of bed, knowing that once I did I wouldn’t be able to fall back asleep.

Poor Chris took Donnie outside onto the patio, and then proceeded to clean out the kennel, gagging the entire time due to the horrible stench. It was so strong, and so putrid, that you could smell it throughout the entire apartment. I obviously had no clue since I was asleep when it happened, but as I started to wake up more my sense of smell kicked in. It was not pretty. I honestly thought he was going to vomit, and I know he thought so too because he told me.

Needless to say, Chris was a little late to work but we thought the crisis was over.

Oh how wrong I was AGAIN!

A few hours later, I woke up around 9:40 to the sound of Donnie’s nails “tap dancing” around on the floor of the kennel. Moogle was in bed with me so I knew she wasn’t antagonizing him. Since it was really loud, I yelled at Donnie to “shush it” so that I could lay in bed for a few more minutes.

The sound didn’t stop. I kept hearing the tippity tappity of his nails and I knew that something was up. I knew, in the pit of my stomach, that I was going to find a huge mess. I was correct. As I rounded the corner to the kitchen I could smell it. Chris got the easy round of his shit, I got the disaster.

It was everywhere, and when I say everywhere…. I mean it. It was all over the inside of his kennel. It almost looked like there was a layer of watery mud in there. It even sprayed out onto the tile floor. I could also see that there was a pretty decent amount of piss in there too.

I was so angry that I picked up the entire crate, being oh so careful not to spill the contents on myself or the carpet, and put the entire thing in our bathtub. I ran the water at a nice temperature, and showered the entire thing down… with Donnie inside of it.

After I was done with that, I moved him and the crate outside onto the patio. It was hot so I put him in the shade, gave him food and water with ice cubes inside of it, and then proceeded to mop down the kitchen tile.

I hoped that was the last of it, but I was wrong… for the third time.

A few hours later from hosing Donnie down in the shower, I saw him circling around the inside of his crate. Sometimes he does this when he is trying to find a spot to sit or lay down, but he instead chose to blow shit out of his ass… using a lot of force I might add. It came out so fast that I didn’t have enough time to run to the sliding glass door and get him out.

Great thing was, there were sound effects too. As soon as it squished out of his butt, I heard this “PFFFTTTTT!!!!” It was so loud that I was able to hear it loud and clear 10 feet away, and through our sliding glass door.

Since I wasn’t about to drag the crate back inside again, I flushed it out with water that I brought outside in a large bowl. You can all imagine how many trips I had to make going back and forth…

Thankfully, that was the last of his shit we had to worry about and he didn’t make a mess in his crate for the rest of the day. He also made it through the night without any mistakes and he just went outside to use the world as his toilet. Hopefully it was just a little stomach bug and it has passed, but I will be keeping a close eye on him and he is back in his crate for right now.

Donnie truly is living up to his nickname I gave him… Mr. Poopy Duper!

- She Who Has The Last Word

I own a first generation iPhone.  I don’t qualify for an upgrade price until October of 2010, so I will continue to own a first generation iPhone for quite a while, I believe.  I have, generally, had no problems with my phone, and have held it very close to my heart since my wife bought it for me in February of 2008.  My love for my phone hasn’t diminished.

My love for Apple and AT&T has been shattered.

As an owner of a first generation product that is, arguably, still only in its second generation of development (or generation 2.5, if you must), I still expect a considerable level of product support from the manufacturer (Apple) and the content provider (AT&T).  I was looking forward to the 3.0 OS update very eagerly, as it meant I could finally MMS, among other things.  One of the things I gave up when getting the iPhone was MMS, and it was something I used often, so it was the primary feature I wanted to regain.

Oh, but wait!  What’s that, AT&T and Apple?  The iPhone 3.0 software does not provide MMS functionality for first generation iPhones? You’ve left cab money on the dresser for me to make my way home?  You have an important meeting in the morning?  You’ll call me?  Ok, that all sounds perfectly reasonable!

Fuck you Apple.

Fuck you AT&T.

-Because I said so

If you read the blog that was posted a few days ago, you would know that we have recently added to our family with our new kitten, Moogle.

She is a very cute cat. Very playful, she “speaks” to us when we wake up in the mornings and when we come home after being out, and she purrs so loud!

One huge side effect is that Moogle came equipped with dagger claws of DOOM! I am not exaggerating either folks. I speak the truth.

For the past 48 hours she has been kicking my ass and little by little, my body starts to resemble bloody swiss cheese.

Proof? You want proof? Here you go…

My left wrist

Shot of entire left thigh

Shot of inner left thigh

Left thigh above knee

Inside of right thigh

Right thigh, just to the left of knee

Upper right thigh

Outer right thigh

Needless to say I am in a lot of pain right now because a majority of those just happened within the past 30 minutes. She wanted to climb on up and decided to use my pants as her way up. I am wearing PJ pants and they are very thin. Her claws went right through the pants and into my poor, delicate skin.

Ouch… and ouch.

- She Who Has The Last Word

Last night, Chris and I went to go run some errands. Our first stop was PetSmart to get more litter for Moogle, and some food for Donnie. We walked around the store for about 20 minutes and then proceeded to the check out counter. While Chris was unloading the items onto the conveyor belt, I gasped in horror.

What could have made me go two shades whiter than I already am?

I give you Exhibit A:

And Exhibit B:

Some of you might not recognize the hairstyle abomination that is on top of that womans head, but it is the same crap that the bitch, AKA Kate Gosselin, sports on her noggin.

I remember reading a few weeks back an article on a gossip site where Kate was quoted saying that everybody wants her hair but not everyone can pull it off.

NOBODY SHOULD TRY AND PULL IT OFF!!

It’s a reverse mullet in the year 2009. Didn’t we leave the shitty hairstyles back in like 1989? Apparently not.

While I damaged my sight permanently by gazing upon this creature, I remembered that I owned an iPhone. I also remembered that it takes pretty decent images. I then also remebered how a certain writer for our local newspaper, the Fresno Bee, hates Kate in every way possible. That man is none other than Mike Oz (@mikeoz on Twitter).

His love hate of Kate makes me giggle. So I dedicate this blog to him.

After making it disgustingly obvious to our cashier and those behind me that I was taking pictures of this woman, we went to Smart and Final to pick up a few things. Sadly, Doppleganger Gosselin was spotted there as well.

Chris told me to take some more pictures of her since they would’ve been at a closer range, but I told him no because my iPhone would probably break. He laughed, but I knew deep down that I was correct. That hairdo atrocity is not worth me having a broken iPhone.

So… I hope you enjoyed our horror story, and remember – friends don’t let friends get the “Kate” hairstyle.

Spread the word my darlings.

- She Who Has The Last Word

For the past few days, I’ve been feeling an urge to get back and play Wii Fit. It’s been awhile and I’m normally a really lazy person so I don’t know why I felt like sweating, being sore, and making an ass out of myself.

I was going to play it back on Tuesday, but Chris came home from work early so I didn’t bother with it. Today, however, was a different story.

As the day dragged on, I got bored. I turned on the Wii, played about a half hour of Animal Crossing (in which our town is ravaged with weeds and looks like crap), and then popped in Wii Fit. I was laughing to myself about how I was stupid for doing this and how I wouldn’t be able to walk in the morning, like last time, but I ignored that and turned it on anyways.

After selecting my Mii the little Wii Fit Board character lovingly let me know that it had been 116 days since I had logged in, and how I failed to reach my goal. I can’t even remember what my goal was!

116 days….

(obviously you guys/gals can tell that we are truly getting our moneys worth with this game, hah!)

I then decided to go through the test they have to check my balance and check my weight. I was pleasantly surprised to see that I had lost weight instead of gaining, like I had thought. Even though it was only 4 lbs, it’s still something! My balance was good, I messed up a little bit, and my Wii Fit Age went up by a couple of years but I didn’t care.

While playing it, I made sure to avoid the Lunges because the only time I did them, I got light headed and wanted to vomit. Instead I focused on the Balance and Aerobic sections. I unlocked a few games in the Balance category, one in the Strength, and one in the Yoga. My new favorite one for the Balance is where my Mii is in a bubble, like in Super Monkey Ball, and I control the ball down this river by leaning left, right, front, and back. It was so fun that I did it 3 times in a row! I was also shocked at how difficult the Advanced Step routine was compared to the original one. Kicks were added, and you even had to step on the board sideways! I’m shocked that I didn’t trip over my feet or trip over Donnie, who was running all over the place with his prized Squirly.

After playing for about an hour I knew I was done. I was starting to get sore and my back, which is horrible, started to hurt. Odds are, when I wake up tomorrow morning, I am going to hate myself for doing Wii Fit but hopefully I can get in the habit of doing at least a half hour a day.

I just wish that Nintendo came out with an update where you can play with your friends using the Wii Speak. No cameras, because that could be embarrassing, but on the “step” balance game, the running aerobic one, and on a few others you can easily do them with a friend and converse with them. It might make people want to play more because, like in real life, a buddy system is always successful.

I’ll let you guys know tomorrow if I have to hobble around the apartment like a 80 year old.

- She Who Has The Last Word

Why does the movie industry feel the need to saturate viewers with movie remakes?  Why not do something original more often?  The last few years, especially, has seen a veritable explosion of movie remakes, and it seems the trend is far from over.

Anyone remember the 1991 Phoebe Cates / Rik Mayall film Drop Dead Fred?  It was a fantastic film that, while commercial unsuccessful, gained a very large cult following and fanbase over the years.  The film was done very well, and left little room for improvement.  This, it seems, is not good enough, though.  Russell Brand, the at times annoying, at times funny British comedian with the weird hair, will be starring in the remake, written by the same man who is penning the Land of the Lost remake for Will Ferrell.  But it is not only our beloved Drop Dead Fred who is getting the makeover treatment; no, no, there is more.  Dudley Moore earned an Oscar nomination for his performance in Arthur, as the titular character, the loveable drunkard heir to a vast fortune.  The film won two Oscars of the four it was nominated for, which is an obvious sign that it needs to be remade!

And don’t get me started on the garbage “[Insert Topic Here] Movie” and “[Insert Topic Here] Flick” that studios will vomit out every four months.  The “spoofs” (if you can call them that) are filled with random pop culture mentions connected together by the loosest of plots pulled, at times, directly from the parody movie with no original spin added.  These movies give “spoof” films a bad name.  Good God, is there not an original bone left in Hollywood?  Why can’t we have more of films like The Fall, or Tristram Shandy: A Cock and Bull Story, or Pan’s Labyrinth?!  COME ON!

SERIOUSLY.  COME ON.

-Because I said so