Yesterday Chris and I went to see ‘Grown Ups,’ the new Adam Sandler movie. While the movie itself was great, almost everything else about it wasn’t.

Normally we go to Edwards Cinemas up in River Park, but Chris wanted to go all the way out to Sierra Vista because of the amazing candy store, Powell’s Sweet Shoppe. We arrived at the theater to buy tickets 5 minutes after the current ‘Grown Ups’ showing started, and since that was the only movie we wanted to see, we had to wait almost an hour and a half for the next showing.

Unfortunately we went to Powell’s before purchasing tickets, but even if we did the events in reverse, we still wouldn’t have made it in time. Instead we went and got some lunch at the nearby Panera Bread to help soak up some of that time. I got my beloved Napa Almond Chicken Salad Sandwich, and Chris tried a Chicken Caesar Sandwich. While sitting there, we thought about going to a game store that was inside the mall, but the shoes I had on were hurting my pinkie toes, so walking too much started to become torture. Instead I came up with the stupid idea to sit inside the theater until the movie started. Mind you, we still had over 45 minutes by this point.

Inside the theater, I thought there were tables and chairs, like in Edwards, but we got to sit on some hard, cold marble rather than comfy chairs. They had the AC on full blast, so for most of that time I was rather chilly. Since the electronic billboard still said that the current movie was seated, we waited, patiently, and were glad to both own iPhones. When the people started to come out of the theater, the electronic sign said that the next seating wouldn’t start for another 30 minutes, probably to clean the theater I assume. Since I can clearly read, I had no problem following what it said.

Here is where things get a little wonky. At Edwards, each theater has two doors leading into each one – one from the left side, and the other from the right. When there was like a minute left on that clock, and with Chris going to purchase us a couple bottles of water, I decided to head inside and secure us some nice seats. Since the door to the right side was closed, I went in through the left since that one was open and that meant I wouldn’t have to touch a door handle (people these days have poor hand-washing skills, so don’t judge me). When I got inside, I couldn’t believe my eyes. The thing was already over halfway filled, and the only center seats were in the second to top row, between two families. We both hate to sit off to the side, so I snagged those and waited for Chris to come in. While waiting, I tweeted on how the sign said to wait a specific amount of time, on how everybody in here is an illiterate asshole, and went on to describe the incredibly annoying child who was sitting behind me, kicking on the seat. (Side note: parents, if you read this and have children who do this to other movie-goers, either stop the little bastards or remove them from the theater, because I can assure you that one day, some adult is going to go postal on your little demon spawn. You’ve been warned.)

At one point I saw Chris come in to look for me, and to get his attention I pointed and waved at him, but when I saw him exit the theater, I figured that he didn’t see me, and that maybe he went to complain. If there was a sign telling people to wait before entering, and with not even a minute left over half of the room was filled, and no employee enforced anything, I’d probably complain too. So, I proceeded to sit there, having to listen to this annoying, and loud couple to the right of me smack on their popcorn, and comment on almost everything. Minutes passed before I saw Chris again, and by that time the first preview had started, but he was still standing by the entrance. I sa him pointing to the movie screen, and I thought he was trying to ask me if I still wanted to see the movie. It’s a little difficult to make out what a person is saying when you can barely see them, and you have no form of verbal communication to fully grasp what they are trying to say. And with that, I got up, to see what he wanted.

When I did get to him, what he asked me confused me because the words that came out of his mouth were this “Do you want to see this movie?” I said that of course I did, but then he went on to say “This is Toy Story 3.” Oops? Apparently, unlike Edwards with the two doors, the doors to the left lead into one theater, and the doors to the right lead into another. From the angle we sat at in the lobby while waiting, I was only able to see any signage indicating that particular theater was for ‘Grown Ups‘. I felt like an idiot, but at least I got a good laugh out of it. We exited that one and went into the correct one, where I was pleasantly surprised to see that it was pretty empty, so we were able to get almost an entire row to ourselves, until this one family came in…. (pretty ominous, eh?)

Now, an entire row, and there was like 7 of them, mostly all devilish children, and the adult who chose to it next to me came with all of these bags, which ended up coming on over to part of my chair (thanks, asshole), and then she had a young boy sit on her lap. The children, who were easily younger than 5, were loud, talked almost constantly throughout the movie, one made a shotgun sound multiple times (cocking the gun and shooting it repeatedly), and then when that parent got up and left with a female friend of hers to do whatever, the child next to me proceeded to bounce up and down on his chair, furiously shaking mine.

Lately, I’ve been getting this strange vertigo, and I first noticed it when riding elevators. It’s not fun, and I was starting to get seriously nauseated. The parent on the other end didn’t reprimand the child, and he was bouncing so hard that it was even shaking Chris, who was two seats down from the little shit. Next to the hellspawn was a little girl, who kept doing something rather loudly, but I couldn’t tell what it was since it was dark…and then the bouncing started again. I’m so glad the movie was enjoyable otherwise I would’ve lost it. When the movie was over, I was still nauseated, I had a bit of a headache, and all I wanted to do was go home.

It’s bad enough I can’t stand a majority of the human race, much less society, and I already have problems with movie theaters – I have a bit of agoraphobia. So, if that particular family ever stumbles upon this blog, thank you for being irresponsible adults, thank you for not teaching your children to be assholes in public, and I hope, for the sake of this planet, that you cease to produce any more.

Yay movies!

- Me

Sunday was a crazy day. We were both exhausted from our Anniversary celebration the night before, and I was even more tired because I went to sleep feeling a little sick and with a migraine. That morning, Chris made us a delicious breakfast and then we found out about that fantastic Blur game deal, so we were off to do that. Afterwards we cleaned in preparation for his family member who would start staying with us on Monday, and had so much to do.

Since the relative would be staying the night, I wanted their bedroom to be perfect. I washed the sheets and comforter, and when those went into the dryer, I put in a load of towels. Now, our washing machine was given to us for free from my Mother right before we moved into the apartment. It’s also the same washing machine that had a fuck load of black widows inside of it. We don’t have an excellent track record with this washer. Sunday was no different.

For some reason, I got up and was going to go somewhere or get something, and when I was up I looked to the living room and hallway, and I couldn’t believe what I saw. All I could say was “Oh my God! Oh my God!” Chris thought Moogle did something, or made a mess on the carpet, and I really wish that’s all it was, but it was so much worse than that.

There was water, about an inch deep, coming from the laundry room. It was inside the entire guest bathroom, it was down the hallway where the bedrooms are all attached, it covered the entire hallway off of the entry, and the entryway tile was completely covered as well. To make matters worse, our front living room carpet was soaked about 3-4 feet in, the coat closet in the hallway was drenched, and the entry to two out of the three bedrooms was sopping wet.

The water just kept coming out of the bottom of the washing machine, not allowing the sensor to detect that it should stop putting water inside of it. The hoses were fine, so it wasn’t that, so odds are, the evil washing machine is toast. Chris saw that our next door neighbors were outside so he had me go immediately and ask if they had a shop vac, so we could quickly get all of the water out and prevent water damage. Fortunately they did, and they had a Rug Doctor too, which helped out immensely with getting the water out of the carpet and pads.

Chris managed to fill the shop vac about 4 times with water, which should give you an idea about how much was there in the hallway and guest bathroom, and I was doing the Rug Doctor for a few hours. To do the living room, it took me over an hour. All in all, we spent well over 3 hours cleaning everything up, and we still had to finish with the rest of the house. By the time we got done with everything, cleaning wise, it was about midnight and we had to wake up Monday morning at 6, with the rest of the day packed.

So, needless to say the only way we can wash anything here in the house is by hand, or by driving all the way across town to go to MIL’s house and use her washer. Since we can’t afford a new washing machine, I can keep my fingers crossed that in 6 days, when it’s my birthday, I am given a nice new shiny one as a present! YAY!

- Me

Having had a Facebook account for a few years now, and in the recent year started to use it more, I’m really starting to get sick of it. I originally joined Facebook to make contact with friends I went to school with, and wanted something more mature than shitty Myspace. Myspace was filled with all of those stupid glittery .gif comments, so much spam, and nasty dudes trying to get their dicks wet. No thank you.

My initial impression of Facebook was positive. It was clean, I didn’t have to worry about decorating my profile so I could look cool, and it was less buggy. As time went on, Facebook started to become the same as other social networking sites. Random friend requests, shitty privacy policies, spam, and people having to change their passwords because their accounts were compromised. On the privacy issue, I’ve always had mine set to “friends only.” All of my information is “friends only” and so are my pictures. I value my privacy, and it is so stupid that Facebook makes it such an ordeal to ensure that I have the kind of privacy I want. I don’t want my pictures or information sold to third parties, nor do I want creepy people I don’t know looking at pictures of my daughter. It shouldn’t have to be this constant thing, and at times I have thought about cancelling my Facebook account.

The one thing that is really pushing me towards that decision is this: Apps. I am so sick and fucking tired of logging on only for my friend feed to be filled with status updates from apps. Sick. Of. It. To make matters worse, I then have to sift through and see all these posts of YouTube videos, what groups/pages people are ‘Liking’ and quiz results. I’m almost 28. Does it look like I give a rats ass about what Disney Princess you are? FUCK NO! I enjoy having fun on the internet as much as the next individual, and I will admit that I have played some of the games in the past, used some of the other apps, and have even done some of the quizzes when I’ve been incredibly bored… but here is what makes me different than the 100+ people on my page: I don’t publish it to my profile.  (Note: All images of FB posts are taken from my actual feed, but I removed the names to protect the privacy of my friends.)

It would be incredibly hypocritical of me to flood my friends feeds with my stupid shit, and then rant and rave about what they do. I make a conscious effort to make sure that the only things on my status are things I want up there. I don’t have a tab on my profile for boxes or other crap, I have only posted a YouTube video maybe once (and it was because I genuinely wanted to share it with people rather than say “HEY! Look at what I’m watching!!!11eleven!!”), and I don’t go and join all of these groups named shit like “Ever have a one night stand and then get some burly crotch itch?”

I went through my feed, and while I only counted how many application statuses I saw, it doesn’t include the 20+ YouTube video posts, the numerous “like” shit, and other annoying crap. So, here is what I counted so far:

Within the past 12 hours

Castle Age – 3 posts

Country Life – 1 post

Fish World – 11 (10 posts were straight in a row)

FishVille – 2 posts

Vampire Wars – 3 posts in a row

Zombie Farm – 1 post

Total posts in a 12 hour timespan: 21

I went further back and counted this:

From 5 to 8 PM

Castle Age – 1 post

Family Feud – 2 posts in a row

Fish World – 15 posts in a row

Happy Pets – 1 post

My City Life – 1 post

Save Shelter Dogs & Puppies – 2 posts in a row

Vampire Wars – 2 posts in a row

Zombie Farm – 3 posts in a row

Total posts in a 3 hour timespan: 27

So, in 15 hours, my friend feed was bombarded with 48 goddamn app spam posts. Ridiculous! I’ve had to delete a massive amount of people before due to privacy and not being able to trust them, so it’s really sad where I’m having to consider removing people (some who are yeeeaaarrrss older than myself) because of stupid childish crap. Maybe I’m just getting old, or maybe it’s because I joined Facebook to stay in contact with people I cared to associate with, not to constantly read shit about how you cleaned your fictional fish tank, but regardless it has to stop. Facebook should make it to where people can select which apps they want to see in their friend feed, because at this point the only option I have is to hide certain people and that includes every single little thing they post – I’ve already had to do that to two people already because I don’t care about their drama.

I just feel like I shouldn’t have to make decisions like ‘do I hide this person entirely, or do I let them stay and get annoyed by their shit?’ or ‘do I delete the person from my profile, and have to deal with drama?’ My 10 year class reunion is coming up this Fall, and the last thing I want to have to deal with is somebody coming up to me asking “Hey! Why did you remove me from Facebook?” because I can assure you, it would happen. If I were still in high school, OK, I could see this app behavior to be normal. If I were like 8-10 years younger, OK, still same age group, still immature. However, on the 29th of this month, I will be 2 years away from 30, so shouldn’t my peers have matured as well? I guess not.

If any of my friends read this, in which I sincerely doubt they will, but just in case, I’m not trying to be mean, I’m not trying to call you out, I’m just simply saying that if you want to play games, I don’t want to have to fucking read it because I don’t care. If you want to do a quiz, I don’t give a shit about the result, and do you really want every single person to know how bitter some of you can be with the groups you ‘like?’

The odds of me deleting my Facebook are slim to none because at the end of the day, there are some friends on there, friends I’ve had since I was 6, that I want to keep in contact with. Sometimes phone or email doesn’t always work because they live in different time zones, have families, work, and are busy. Facebook allows me to stay connected with them without having to be a bother, so I like that. I’m just at my wits end because as each day goes by, it’s just keeps getting worse. So, Internetz, please…. stop the insanity!

- Me

Have you ever witnessed a moment in time that has been so profound that it went on to define your entire life?  I have just experienced such a moment.  Brace yourselves, people, because this is a big one: The Twlight Eclipse Soundtrack is available to preview in its entirety, today only, for FREE!  HOLY FUCK!

At approximately 10:00 am today, the official Twilight Twitter account tweeted the heart-stopping, corpse re-animating news!  For 24 hours (starting from 10:00am today, I assume), the entire Twilight Eclipse soundtrack is available online for us to listen to, at no cost whatsoever!  As soon as I get home, I’m going to run a nice, soothing bubble-bath, light some candles, start streaming the Twilight Eclipse soundtrack, slip in, close my eyes, and start dreaming about Edward, Jacob, and Bella, triple-teaming the FUCK out of me!  I CAN’T WAIT!

Oooooooh, yeah.  That’s the stuff.

-[insert DIGNITY here]

On Friday, May 14th,  it was announced that the bastards at NBC pulled the plug on Heroes. NBC has been doing a lot of stupid things lately (don’t even get me started on the whole Conan bit…) so I suppose we can add this to their long list of fuck-ups.

Read the full story

For the past couple of days, Twitter has been…unreliable. Sure we’ve had problems with Twitter in the past, and feel like the Fail Whale is a part of the family, but it’s getting to be a bit too much.

Last night the dreaded Fail Whale started making multiple appearances on peoples screens, when trying to tweet error messages were popping up claiming server and internal errors, and right now my Twitter stream went over a half hour without any updates coming through. Some of you might be thinking that my concern over 30 minutes of no activity is a little silly, but when I follow hundreds of people and everything has suddenly gone silent…. one begins to wonder if they are all alone out there on the internet.

Some are blaming the sudden increase in problems on the fact that Twitter recently said they changed their algorithm in which Trending Topics are chosen, due to the fact that Justin Bieber (just putting his name on our site makes me want to rinse my eyes out with bleach) was constantly up there, angering those who aren’t pedophiles and vapid teeny-boppers. Apparently Twitter angered the jail-bait natives, and they have been doing everything they can to get his name back up there, like changing his name to Bustin Jieber. Regardless, it needs to stop.

The stupid children doing this need to just suck it up because the adults are the majority in this. Twitter wasn’t created so that we had to deal with looking at the Jonas Brothers, Miley Cyrus, and all of that other shit that has no talent. Twitter had other intentions, and it needs to have awesome things like Star Wars, Tool, The Tudors, Big Bang Theory, and others up there. It was a little late of Twitter to finally do something about Justin Bieber, but hopefully this is a step in the right direction, and hopefully they get their shit together because I’m tired of my Twitter going down *grumble grumble*.

- Me

Hey there, fellow WOM Bats!  Welcome to another installment in the new World of Meh on-going Mad Lib series!  Yesterday, in the introductory Mad Libs post, Lindsey posted a couple of Mad Libs that I completed.  Now we’ll see just how twisted her own mind is!

How about we start with the tale of legendary American Paul Revere?:

Paul Revere was born in Boston, California, in 1735.  His father taught him to work with metals, and he soon became a fluffy library.  He was a soldier in the French and Chinese War and was at the famous Boston Supermarket Party when Americans dressed as Indians dumped tons of water into the ocean.  On April 18, 1775, Paul Revere waited in Fiji for a signal light from a church tower.  The signal was to be one if by tree, two if by barber.  When he got the message, he mounted his faithful mother and rode off lovingly.  On the way, he kept yelling, “The men are coming!  The men are coming!”  This was the beginning of the American War for Independence from King Ricky Gervais.

After that disturbing tale of strange love between an American legend and his mother, we’ll move on to a Report by a Student Protest Committee:

Fellow Students of Harvard!  We the members of the Students for a Difficult Society are meeting here to decide what action to take about the Dean of Fingers.  He has just fired our friend, Professor Chris, because he wore his penis long, and because he dressed in pants and wore old toes.  Next week, we are going to protest by taking over the tooth building and kidnapping the Assistant Soap.  We also will demand that all students have the right to wear hot hair and squishy beards.  Remember our slogan: “Down with legs.”

Why, yes, I do wear my penis long.  And pants.  I occasionally wear pants.

Tune in next time for more…of whatever the crap this is.

-[insert WOM Bats here]

Get ready for a new, regular feature to World of Meh! Mad Libs!

Weeks ago, Chris and I bought a Mad Libs book at our local Borders. Why? Well, for starters it was on sale for $1.99, and the other reason is because we can. The Mad Libs were fun for us because we would do them in bed before going to sleep, and it also gave us a chance to just be incredibly silly. After we filled up the first book we quickly went back to Borders hoping that the books were still on sale. To our surprise they still were, so to be safe we picked up 4 books.

On a regular basis we will go and post up some of the Mad Libs we’ve done (obviously the better ones because all can’t be winners), and I actually feel kind of sorry for you guys. Get ready for a lot of penis, testicles, boobs, and other filthy things. We are truly sad individuals, but at least we are having fun! (Chris says: Those with delicate sensibilities will be offended.)

To start things off, here is one Chris provided the answers for, which are underlined. The topic is Alexander the Great:

In 356 B.C., Philip of Macedonia, the ruler of a province in northern Greece, became the father of a bouncing baby lamp named Alexander. Alexander’s teacher was Aristotle, the famous rug. When he was 20 years old, his father was murdered by William Shatner, after which he became pen of all Macedonia. In 334, he invaded Persia and defeated Leonard Nimoy at the battle of Vulcan. Later, at Arbela, he won his most important victory, over Darius the Third. This made him Starship Hoogybloog over all Persians. Then he marched to India, and many of his penises died. After that, Alexander began drinking too much urine, and at the age of 33, he died of an infection in the eyelash. His last words are reported to have been, “There are no more pillows to conquer.”

Another one Chris provided answers to was titled How to be a Photographer:

Many massive photographers make big money photographing sausages and beautiful kielbasas. They sell the prints to stiff magazines or to agencies who use them in flagpole advertisements. To be a photographer, you have to have a yardstick camera. You also need a thick meter and filters and a special close-up knob. Then you either hire professional trouser snakes or go out and snap candid pictures of ordinary bananas, But if you want to have a career, you must study very lustfully for at least 69 years.

So there you have it. Two fabulous Mad Libs, one with our first mention of penis, and a second filled with penile innuendos (Chris says: In-YOUR-endos).

….dirty bastard :p

The end comes for us all, and unfortunately, it seems that the end has come for the World of Meh.  To be fair, the end has been here for quite some time, sipping on tea in the lounge, waiting only for a formal introduction.  Well, ladies and gentlemen (all none of you, at this point), allow me the honor and privilege of introducing our dear friend, The End!

This will, most likely, be the last post on the World of Meh site.  The World of Meh has been heavily neglected over the past few months.  Lindsey’s last post was in July of 2009, and I have only contributed 30 posts (including this one) since that time, on a very inconsistent schedule.  I have tried over this period of time to be more productive with regard to the World of Meh, but the site was created for a purpose, and that purpose has long since been abandoned.  A backup has been made of the site’s content, and may one day be uploaded on a new endeavor as an archive, but until then, the World of Meh will have to exist solely in our hearts and minds, and a small .xml file on a portable hard drive.  The site will not be maintained beyond an undetermined point in the near future, as it currently costs $25/month just to keep the server active for something that is so obviously unused.


You can visit Lindsey at her new online home (where she writes with a proclivity and prolificness that has long since been absent from her writing at the World of Meh), the Brutal Gamer.  She is also available on Twitter.

You can visit Chris online on Twitter, but his e-presence is otherwise, for the time being, e-homeless.  Fear not, dear readers (who the fuck am I kidding with this shit?), I will, in time, find my way to a new home online where my words can spew forth like vomit into a bucket known as the Internet.


I wonder how long it will take for any of you to see this.  $20 says nobody even notices when the site finally goes offline.

Here’s looking at you, Internet.

-[insert bullshit here]

I understand that a company as large as Microsoft requires a very large technical support staff.  I can understand that putting their technical support centers in India is more cost-effective for them.  I can understand that, since the centers are in India, they are more likely to use scripts and automatic emails to get over the language barrier.  I understand all of this, and  yet I am furious at their ineptitude.

Me while emailing and phoning Xbox tech support

Four days ago (Saturday), I bought a replacement black wireless Xbox 360 controller for Lindsey, as she had spilled nail polish and ginger ale over her previous controller.  This replacement controller came in a special bundle.  For an additional $10, I was able to acquire a game disc called the “Xbox Live Arcade Game Pack”, which included, playable from the disc, Bomberman Live, Geometry Wars: Retro Evolved 2, and Lumines Live.  A download code for Ms. Pac-Man was also included as part of the deal.  In case I have not been specific enough, only Ms. Pac-Man was downloadable, the other three games were on the disc, playable from the disc, and not downloadable whatsoever.  I specify because this little fact is important later on.  I was excited about this pack.  I enjoyed the demos for Geometry Wars and Lumines, but the lion’s share of my excitement stemmed from my decades-long love of Bomberman.  What can I say?  I’m Middle-Eastern.  Blowing stuff up must be in my blood.

Right.  We now come to the problem which created the need for technical support.  The download code for Ms. Pac-Man worked, and Geometry Wars and Lumines could be played off the disc, but Bomberman Live would not play.  When I first tried loading it, I was greeted with a dialog informing me that an update was available for the game.  I chose to download the update, as I usually do.  I was then greeted with a new dialog that said the update could not be found, and that I should contact Xbox support.  I was then told that I would need to “re-download the game package” and was sent directly to the Xbox Live Marketplace, where I would be charged the full 800 points to purchase Bomberman Live, regardless of the fact that I had the full version on a disc.  I quickly went to the support website and submit a request for assistance via email, detailing my issue in much the same way as I have done here for you.  All of the major points were included, so there could be no confusion as to what my problem was.

Sunday comes along and I receive a reply to my support request via email:

Hello Christopher,

Thank you for contacting Microsoft online support for XBOX. I am July and I will be helping you today with this issue.

I am sorry to hear that you are having trouble with your Xbox Live Account. In order to isolate what is causing the problem and to give you the correct steps to resolve the issue, please provide us with more specific details.

• Type of account subscription (Silver or Gold)
• The type of connection you are using (direct modem, router, wireless, gateway, Windows ICS)
• The phase where the Xbox Live Connection test fails (Network Adapter, Wireless Network, IP Address, DNS, MTU, ICMP, Xbox LIVE, NAT)
• The exact error message that you are encountering
• Please include other details that can help identify the issue.

We look forward to hearing from you again and helping you resolve your problem.

To expedite service, please provide Service Request Number 1120205162.

Thank you for visiting Xbox.com. If you should have future questions on Xbox products or services, please be sure to revisit our Web site as we are continually adding information to enhance our service.

Best Regards,

July

Microsoft XBOX Support Services

http://support.microsoft.com/

As you can see, this has no relevance to my issue whatsoever, and is obviously a canned response.  My reply:

Good morning,

I am not having a problem with my Xbox Live connection.  I gave the
problem details in my original submission.  I purchased a new wireless
controller for my 360, and it came bundled with the Xbox Live Arcade
game pack, which included Geometry Wars 2, Bomberman Live, Lumines
Live, and a download code for Ms. Pac-Man.  The download code worked,
and so far, Geometry Wars 2 and Lumines Live work.  However, when I
load Bomberman Live, it requires an update.  I am then told that the
update can not be found, or that I have to re-download the entire
game.  I want to play Bomberman Live, since I paid for it, and I love
Bomberman.  Please make that happen.

I had already fully explained the situation in my original submission, so this brief reminder seemed appropriate.  I hoped this would have been sufficient to get them back on track and fix my issue.  Let’s read their next response (received on Tuesday) and see if they’ve managed to pull it together:

Hello Christopher,

Thank you for using XBOX Customer Support online! I am Jenice and I will be helping you today with this issue.

As I understand that when you try to download an update on your Xbox 360 console, the auto-update stops during the download and you do not receive an error message. Please be assured that I will do my best to help you resolve the issue.

Also, you may experience one of the following:

. The auto-update fails. You receive a connectivity error message, but when you test your connection to Xbox Live, you do not receive an error message.

. After you download an auto-update for a game, you receive a message that states that you must download the same auto-update.

. After you download an auto-update, you cannot connect to Xbox Live. Additionally, you cannot access functions that you could previously access.

Here are some things that you can try to resolve the issue or to determine what the cause is.

1.  If you experience the first or second symptom that is listed in the “Symptoms” section, use a direct connection to download the auto-update. For more information about how to set up a direct connection, visit the website: http://www.xbox.com/en-US/Support online/connecttolive/xbox360/connectionmethods/modem.htm

Note: This method applies to auto-updates for games and for the Xbox Dashboard.

2.  If you experience all the symptoms that are listed in the “Symptoms” section, delete the game data.

Warning: When you delete game data, you lose any saved game information.

Note: Copy the saved game data to a separate memory source so that you can restore the data if this step does not resolve the issue.

To delete game data, follow these steps:

a. Sign in by using your gamertag.

b. Move to the System section.

c. Select Memory, and then press the A button.

d. Select Hard Drive, and then press the A button.

e. Select Games, and then press the A button.

f. Select the profile that you want to view, and then press the A button.

g. On the Select Game screen, select the game for which the update will not download, and then press the Y button.

h. On the Game screen, press the A button to delete the game.

Note: The Delete option is the only option that is available on the Game screen.

i. On the Delete Item screen, select Yes, and then press the A button to confirm the deletion.

j. Press the B button four times to return to the System section.

k. Start the game, and then sign in to Xbox Live to download the update again.

If you need to reply to this e-mail, please reply ‘with history’ (include any previous e-mail) or reference to Service Request Number 1120205162 so we can expedite our service to you.

Thank you for visiting Xbox.com. If you should have future questions on Xbox products or services, please be sure to revisit our Web site as we are continually adding information to enhance our service.

Best Regards,

Jenice

Microsoft XBOX Support Services

http://support.microsoft.com/

Failure, again, to comprehend the simplest of explanations.  I reply thusly, having become slightly frustrated:

PLEASE READ MY EMAIL AND ANSWER INSTEAD OF CONTINUOUSLY SENDING
PRE-WRITTEN RESPONSES THAT HAVE NO RELEVANCE TO MY ISSUE:

“Good morning,

I am not having a problem with my Xbox Live connection.  I gave the
problem details in my original submission.  I purchased a new wireless
controller for my 360, and it came bundled with the Xbox Live Arcade
game pack, which included Geometry Wars 2, Bomberman Live, Lumines
Live, and a download code for Ms. Pac-Man.  The download code worked,
and so far, Geometry Wars 2 and Lumines Live work.  However, when I
load Bomberman Live, it requires an update.  I am then told that the
update can not be found, or that I have to re-download the entire
game.  I want to play Bomberman Live, since I paid for it, and I love
Bomberman.  Please make that happen.”

IT’S NOT THAT HARD!

At this point, I had given up on their ability to understand written language, so I decided that, perhaps, a more personal attempt should be made.  Yesterday, after sending my reply, I called Xbox support directly.  After I made my way through their interminable voice activated menu system (which I loathe, incidentally), I was greeted by “Jason,” and we were underway.  After explaining my issue to him (three times) in bits and pieces (due to his constant interruptions) he asked for my name and my Xbox Live gamertag.  Spelling my name for him took approximately five minutes, as I had to keep correcting his mistakes as he repeated it back to me.  My gamertag took an additional two or three minutes, as it is a whopping seven letters long, and well beyond his difficulty level, apparently.  At this point, his script told him to clarify the issue once more.  As he was explaining the issue, I again had to correct his mistakes and set the record straight, since apparently the first three explanations weren’t sufficient.  Eventually, we get to the troubleshooting point, and, as I was at work and not near my Xbox, he claimed he would not be able to help me, and asked me to call back later.  That cost me close to 45 minutes of my day.

I called back when I got home and spoke with “Brian.”  I explained my situation again (this time only twice) and awaited assistance.  My name and gamertag had already been recorded, apparently, so I was not required to suffer through such an ordeal again, thankfully.  I did have quite a hard time with this call, however, because of their hold system.  For some reason, during the hour long call, whenever I was put on hold I was not treated to smooth listening hold music, but dozens of technical support conversations all at once.  Needless to say, it was discomforting.  About 40 minutes in, the hold “noise” suddenly changed to the smooth listening music I had expected.  Approximately 30 seconds later, they corrected their apparent mistake and returned me to the cacophony that had been previously assaulting my senses.  I eventually was told that I would be given a download code for Bomberman Live, but that a higher level of support would have to give me the code.  He connected me with the higher level of support, “Aaron,” who proceeded to inform me (eventually, after more hold music and questions) that I would receive a callback from support in “48-72 hours” with a resolution to this issue.  Frustrated, I decided to accept this and end the call.  I now await the return call that will, ideally, give me download codes for not only Bomberman Live, but Geometry Wars: Retro Evolved 2 and Lumines Live, in case the same issue should arise with those games at a future date.

Now, some would think that this would be the end of the story.  I certainly did.  Unfortunately, we are quite mistaken.  Mere hours after my phone call ended, I received this third email from Xbox support:

Hello Christopher,

Thank you for contacting Microsoft online support for XBOX. I am Rio and I will be helping you today with this issue.

I understand that you are unable to access a downloaded content that you purchased from the Xbox live Marketplace.

My apologies for the inconvenience that you are having right now but rest assured that we will extend our resources to the full extent in order for us to help you regarding this concern.

Sometimes, you may not be able to access or use downloadable game content because the content has become corrupted.

Here are some things that you can try to resolve the issue:

1. Delete the downloadable content, and then download the content again. To delete downloadable game content that is corrupted, follow these steps:

a.       Sign in to Xbox LIVE by using your Gamertag.

b.      In the Xbox Dashboard, select System, and then press the A button.

c.       Select Memory, and then press the A button.

d.      On the Storage Devices screen, select Hard Drive, and then press the A button.

e.       On the Hard Drive screen, select Games, and then press the A button.

f.        On the Games screen, select the game title that you want, and then press the A button.

g.       On the individual game screen, select the downloadable content that you want to delete, and then press the A button.

h.       On the content screen, press the A button to delete the content.

Note Delete is the only option that is available on this screen.

i.         On the Delete Item screen, select Yes, and then press the A button to confirm the action.

j.        On the individual game screen, press the B button four times to return to the System section.

k.      Start the game that you want. Then, sign in to Xbox LIVE to download the game content again.

To download previously purchased or previously downloaded content, use one of the following methods.

Download from the Xbox 360 console.

1.                  Attach the hard drive or the memory unit to your Xbox 360 console.

2.                  Turn on your Xbox 360 console.

3.                  Sign in to Xbox LIVE by using the gamer profile that originally downloaded the content.

4.                  Press the Xbox 360 Guide button, and then go to the Settings area. Select Account Management, and then select Download History.

5.                  Select the content item, and then select Download Again to download the item.

6.                  Repeat step 5 for each item in your download history that you want to recover.

Download from Xbox.com

1.                  Visit the following Xbox LIVE Web Marketplace Web site to access the My Account area:

http://marketplace.xbox.com/en-US/myAccount/PurchaseHistory.aspx

2.                  Select each item that you want to download, and then click Add to Queue. The selected items will automatically appear in the console’s Active Downloads area of the console on which you are currently signed in to Xbox LIVE.

2. Clear the system cache.

To clear the Xbox 360 Hard Drive cache, follow these steps:

1. Reattach the Xbox Hard Drive.

2. Locate the System section of the Xbox 360 Dashboard.

3. Select Memory, and then press the Y button to view the device options screen.

4. On the Xbox 360 Controller, press the following items in this sequence:

• X button
• X button
• Left bumper
• Right bumper
• X button
• X button

5. When you are prompted to confirm system maintenance, select Yes by pressing the A button.

Should you need to reply to this e-mail, please reply ‘with history’ (include any previous e-mail) or reference to Service Request Number 1120205162 so we can expedite our service to you.

Thank you for visiting Xbox.com. If you should have future questions on Xbox products or services, please be sure to revisit our Web site as we are continually adding information to enhance our service.

Best Regards,

Rio

Microsoft XBOX Support Services

http://support.microsoft.com/

The point was missed yet again, unsurprisingly.  My reply requested that they stop sending me incompetent emails, as I had phoned tech support and received some modicum of understanding from their end.  We shall see what comes next.

All I wanted to do was play some fucking Bomberman Live.

-[insert revolutionary thinking here]