Please allow me to preface this story by telling you a little about my childhood.  I was very sheltered as a child.  I was the “good boy” that never got into any serious trouble, never did anything dangerous, never had too many friends, never participated in social activities, etc.  I was not allowed to be exposed to the world most other children were exposed to.  I don’t regret this, necessarily.  What I do regret, however, is that this lack of exposure means I am late to the party when it comes to most slang statements.

A couple of months ago (I am not sure exactly when) I was having a conversation (I am not sure exactly what about) with Lindsey.  At some point in the conversation (I am not sure exactly what point), Lindsey used the phrase “balls deep” in passing.  I had heard this phrase once or twice before, but I had never learned its relevance.  In this context, “balls deep” was referring to how immersed or “deep” someone was in something.  I brandished my rapier sharp wit and retorted, “More like eyeballs deep,” thinking that since the eyeballs were higher on the body than the testicular balls, it would serve to increase the meaning of the phrase.

This is more what I had in mind.

You can see now why the preface detailing my sheltered upbringing was necessary, yes?

When she heard me say that, Lindsey gave me the look I imagine most of you gave your computer screens when you read it (Something like O_o).  A short explanation of terminology later, and I realized that I had provided her (and now, most of you) with a very disturbing mental image.

Sorry about that.

Parents, raise your kids to know dirty words and terminology, unless you want them to look like a dumbass later in life!

-[insert RESPONSIBLE PARENTING here]

Dante Alighieri’s Divine Comedy is regarded as one of the greatest pieces of literature in the world, and the greatest literary work of Italy.  It is not only the direct source of the official Christian imagery, structure, and function of Hell, Purgatory, and Heaven, but it is also responsible for establishing the Tuscan dialect as the standard dialect of the Italian language.  It is a true masterpiece, and a testament to the creative genius that man is capable of.  Keep this in mind as we continue.

Graphic depiction of the nine circles of hell, the mountain of Purgatory, and of Paradise.

I apologize in advance for my unavoidably inadequate summary of the Divine Comedy.  The Comedy follows Dante’s journey through Hell, Purgatory, and Heaven as an allegorical representation of the soul’s journey to God.  In Inferno, sin is recognized and punished.  In Purgatorio, spiritual growth allows the soul to move beyond their sins and enter the Earthly Paradise in a state of pure innocence equal to that of the Garden of Eden before the fall of man.  In Paradiso, the soul finally ascends to God.  Dante is guided through Inferno and Purgatorio by the roman poet Virgil, whom he had great respect for.

Satan, in the ninth circle of the Inferno. In his central mouth lies Judas; In the mouths on either side, Brutus and Cassius, all being devoured eternally for their treachery.

Virgil, not being Christian, can not guide him through the realm of Heaven, however, which leads to his earthly object of adoration, Beatrice, guiding him through Paradiso. Dante’s travels allow him to recognize and reject sin, to spiritually grow beyond his sins, and to finally witness God and the human form of Christ, leading him to a fundamental epiphany about the nature of divinity.  I am not Christian, but I can appreciate the depth of the story and the mastery with which it was written.  It is a true work of literary art.

Now meet the Dante most people will visualize:

Nice to meet you!

This is Dante as portrayed in Visceral Games and EA’s video game adaptation of Dante’s Inferno, first of the three books in the Divine Comedy.  He looks slightly different than the classical illustrations of Dante, if one pays attention to the small details.  His outing in the video game adaptation of Dante’s Inferno is truly a bloody and violent affair.  A story summary can be found here.  Go ahead and catch up on that.  I’ll wait.

…

…

…

Welcome back!  So, we have discovered that this particular Dante massacred his way through the Inferno to rescue the corrupted soul of his beloved Beatrice from the fiendishly devilish grasp of…well…the devil, Satan.  After defeating Satan and ensuring that Beatrice’s soul is in Paradise, he steps out of Hell and in to Purgatory.

I realize this doesn’t bother most people as much as it bothers me.  I realize that some people are able to step away and look at the video game as a video game, and ignore the connection it tries (and fails) to make to one of the world’s greatest literary works.  Regardless, I feel that this work should have been treated with more respect by Visceral and EA and left alone.  It was not material that should have been turned into a video game, because the narrative did not lend itself to that translation.

But wait, there’s more to this story than a bad video game.  After a slew of questionable marketing events, EA released their own paperback copy of Dante’s Inferno, complete with an introduction from game producer Jonathan Knight, and a 16-page insert of game-art.

Oh, man! This book looks awesome, and the game had so much action! I can't wait to read the novelization! Wait, what? It's just two dudes taking a really long fucking walk? GOD DAMMIT!

Thankfully, the Longfellow translation was left unviolated.

-[insert NERD RAGE here]

Having had a Facebook account for a few years now, and in the recent year started to use it more, I’m really starting to get sick of it. I originally joined Facebook to make contact with friends I went to school with, and wanted something more mature than shitty Myspace. Myspace was filled with all of those stupid glittery .gif comments, so much spam, and nasty dudes trying to get their dicks wet. No thank you.

My initial impression of Facebook was positive. It was clean, I didn’t have to worry about decorating my profile so I could look cool, and it was less buggy. As time went on, Facebook started to become the same as other social networking sites. Random friend requests, shitty privacy policies, spam, and people having to change their passwords because their accounts were compromised. On the privacy issue, I’ve always had mine set to “friends only.” All of my information is “friends only” and so are my pictures. I value my privacy, and it is so stupid that Facebook makes it such an ordeal to ensure that I have the kind of privacy I want. I don’t want my pictures or information sold to third parties, nor do I want creepy people I don’t know looking at pictures of my daughter. It shouldn’t have to be this constant thing, and at times I have thought about cancelling my Facebook account.

The one thing that is really pushing me towards that decision is this: Apps. I am so sick and fucking tired of logging on only for my friend feed to be filled with status updates from apps. Sick. Of. It. To make matters worse, I then have to sift through and see all these posts of YouTube videos, what groups/pages people are ‘Liking’ and quiz results. I’m almost 28. Does it look like I give a rats ass about what Disney Princess you are? FUCK NO! I enjoy having fun on the internet as much as the next individual, and I will admit that I have played some of the games in the past, used some of the other apps, and have even done some of the quizzes when I’ve been incredibly bored… but here is what makes me different than the 100+ people on my page: I don’t publish it to my profile.  (Note: All images of FB posts are taken from my actual feed, but I removed the names to protect the privacy of my friends.)

It would be incredibly hypocritical of me to flood my friends feeds with my stupid shit, and then rant and rave about what they do. I make a conscious effort to make sure that the only things on my status are things I want up there. I don’t have a tab on my profile for boxes or other crap, I have only posted a YouTube video maybe once (and it was because I genuinely wanted to share it with people rather than say “HEY! Look at what I’m watching!!!11eleven!!”), and I don’t go and join all of these groups named shit like “Ever have a one night stand and then get some burly crotch itch?”

I went through my feed, and while I only counted how many application statuses I saw, it doesn’t include the 20+ YouTube video posts, the numerous “like” shit, and other annoying crap. So, here is what I counted so far:

Within the past 12 hours

Castle Age – 3 posts

Country Life – 1 post

Fish World – 11 (10 posts were straight in a row)

FishVille – 2 posts

Vampire Wars – 3 posts in a row

Zombie Farm – 1 post

Total posts in a 12 hour timespan: 21

I went further back and counted this:

From 5 to 8 PM

Castle Age – 1 post

Family Feud – 2 posts in a row

Fish World – 15 posts in a row

Happy Pets – 1 post

My City Life – 1 post

Save Shelter Dogs & Puppies – 2 posts in a row

Vampire Wars – 2 posts in a row

Zombie Farm – 3 posts in a row

Total posts in a 3 hour timespan: 27

So, in 15 hours, my friend feed was bombarded with 48 goddamn app spam posts. Ridiculous! I’ve had to delete a massive amount of people before due to privacy and not being able to trust them, so it’s really sad where I’m having to consider removing people (some who are yeeeaaarrrss older than myself) because of stupid childish crap. Maybe I’m just getting old, or maybe it’s because I joined Facebook to stay in contact with people I cared to associate with, not to constantly read shit about how you cleaned your fictional fish tank, but regardless it has to stop. Facebook should make it to where people can select which apps they want to see in their friend feed, because at this point the only option I have is to hide certain people and that includes every single little thing they post – I’ve already had to do that to two people already because I don’t care about their drama.

I just feel like I shouldn’t have to make decisions like ‘do I hide this person entirely, or do I let them stay and get annoyed by their shit?’ or ‘do I delete the person from my profile, and have to deal with drama?’ My 10 year class reunion is coming up this Fall, and the last thing I want to have to deal with is somebody coming up to me asking “Hey! Why did you remove me from Facebook?” because I can assure you, it would happen. If I were still in high school, OK, I could see this app behavior to be normal. If I were like 8-10 years younger, OK, still same age group, still immature. However, on the 29th of this month, I will be 2 years away from 30, so shouldn’t my peers have matured as well? I guess not.

If any of my friends read this, in which I sincerely doubt they will, but just in case, I’m not trying to be mean, I’m not trying to call you out, I’m just simply saying that if you want to play games, I don’t want to have to fucking read it because I don’t care. If you want to do a quiz, I don’t give a shit about the result, and do you really want every single person to know how bitter some of you can be with the groups you ‘like?’

The odds of me deleting my Facebook are slim to none because at the end of the day, there are some friends on there, friends I’ve had since I was 6, that I want to keep in contact with. Sometimes phone or email doesn’t always work because they live in different time zones, have families, work, and are busy. Facebook allows me to stay connected with them without having to be a bother, so I like that. I’m just at my wits end because as each day goes by, it’s just keeps getting worse. So, Internetz, please…. stop the insanity!

- Me

Have you ever witnessed a moment in time that has been so profound that it went on to define your entire life?  I have just experienced such a moment.  Brace yourselves, people, because this is a big one: The Twlight Eclipse Soundtrack is available to preview in its entirety, today only, for FREE!  HOLY FUCK!

At approximately 10:00 am today, the official Twilight Twitter account tweeted the heart-stopping, corpse re-animating news!  For 24 hours (starting from 10:00am today, I assume), the entire Twilight Eclipse soundtrack is available online for us to listen to, at no cost whatsoever!  As soon as I get home, I’m going to run a nice, soothing bubble-bath, light some candles, start streaming the Twilight Eclipse soundtrack, slip in, close my eyes, and start dreaming about Edward, Jacob, and Bella, triple-teaming the FUCK out of me!  I CAN’T WAIT!

Oooooooh, yeah.  That’s the stuff.

-[insert DIGNITY here]

On Friday, May 14th,  it was announced that the bastards at NBC pulled the plug on Heroes. NBC has been doing a lot of stupid things lately (don’t even get me started on the whole Conan bit…) so I suppose we can add this to their long list of fuck-ups.

Read the full story

The end comes for us all, and unfortunately, it seems that the end has come for the World of Meh.  To be fair, the end has been here for quite some time, sipping on tea in the lounge, waiting only for a formal introduction.  Well, ladies and gentlemen (all none of you, at this point), allow me the honor and privilege of introducing our dear friend, The End!

This will, most likely, be the last post on the World of Meh site.  The World of Meh has been heavily neglected over the past few months.  Lindsey’s last post was in July of 2009, and I have only contributed 30 posts (including this one) since that time, on a very inconsistent schedule.  I have tried over this period of time to be more productive with regard to the World of Meh, but the site was created for a purpose, and that purpose has long since been abandoned.  A backup has been made of the site’s content, and may one day be uploaded on a new endeavor as an archive, but until then, the World of Meh will have to exist solely in our hearts and minds, and a small .xml file on a portable hard drive.  The site will not be maintained beyond an undetermined point in the near future, as it currently costs $25/month just to keep the server active for something that is so obviously unused.


You can visit Lindsey at her new online home (where she writes with a proclivity and prolificness that has long since been absent from her writing at the World of Meh), the Brutal Gamer.  She is also available on Twitter.

You can visit Chris online on Twitter, but his e-presence is otherwise, for the time being, e-homeless.  Fear not, dear readers (who the fuck am I kidding with this shit?), I will, in time, find my way to a new home online where my words can spew forth like vomit into a bucket known as the Internet.


I wonder how long it will take for any of you to see this.  $20 says nobody even notices when the site finally goes offline.

Here’s looking at you, Internet.

-[insert bullshit here]

I understand that a company as large as Microsoft requires a very large technical support staff.  I can understand that putting their technical support centers in India is more cost-effective for them.  I can understand that, since the centers are in India, they are more likely to use scripts and automatic emails to get over the language barrier.  I understand all of this, and  yet I am furious at their ineptitude.

Me while emailing and phoning Xbox tech support

Four days ago (Saturday), I bought a replacement black wireless Xbox 360 controller for Lindsey, as she had spilled nail polish and ginger ale over her previous controller.  This replacement controller came in a special bundle.  For an additional $10, I was able to acquire a game disc called the “Xbox Live Arcade Game Pack”, which included, playable from the disc, Bomberman Live, Geometry Wars: Retro Evolved 2, and Lumines Live.  A download code for Ms. Pac-Man was also included as part of the deal.  In case I have not been specific enough, only Ms. Pac-Man was downloadable, the other three games were on the disc, playable from the disc, and not downloadable whatsoever.  I specify because this little fact is important later on.  I was excited about this pack.  I enjoyed the demos for Geometry Wars and Lumines, but the lion’s share of my excitement stemmed from my decades-long love of Bomberman.  What can I say?  I’m Middle-Eastern.  Blowing stuff up must be in my blood.

Right.  We now come to the problem which created the need for technical support.  The download code for Ms. Pac-Man worked, and Geometry Wars and Lumines could be played off the disc, but Bomberman Live would not play.  When I first tried loading it, I was greeted with a dialog informing me that an update was available for the game.  I chose to download the update, as I usually do.  I was then greeted with a new dialog that said the update could not be found, and that I should contact Xbox support.  I was then told that I would need to “re-download the game package” and was sent directly to the Xbox Live Marketplace, where I would be charged the full 800 points to purchase Bomberman Live, regardless of the fact that I had the full version on a disc.  I quickly went to the support website and submit a request for assistance via email, detailing my issue in much the same way as I have done here for you.  All of the major points were included, so there could be no confusion as to what my problem was.

Sunday comes along and I receive a reply to my support request via email:

Hello Christopher,

Thank you for contacting Microsoft online support for XBOX. I am July and I will be helping you today with this issue.

I am sorry to hear that you are having trouble with your Xbox Live Account. In order to isolate what is causing the problem and to give you the correct steps to resolve the issue, please provide us with more specific details.

• Type of account subscription (Silver or Gold)
• The type of connection you are using (direct modem, router, wireless, gateway, Windows ICS)
• The phase where the Xbox Live Connection test fails (Network Adapter, Wireless Network, IP Address, DNS, MTU, ICMP, Xbox LIVE, NAT)
• The exact error message that you are encountering
• Please include other details that can help identify the issue.

We look forward to hearing from you again and helping you resolve your problem.

To expedite service, please provide Service Request Number 1120205162.

Thank you for visiting Xbox.com. If you should have future questions on Xbox products or services, please be sure to revisit our Web site as we are continually adding information to enhance our service.

Best Regards,

July

Microsoft XBOX Support Services

http://support.microsoft.com/

As you can see, this has no relevance to my issue whatsoever, and is obviously a canned response.  My reply:

Good morning,

I am not having a problem with my Xbox Live connection.  I gave the
problem details in my original submission.  I purchased a new wireless
controller for my 360, and it came bundled with the Xbox Live Arcade
game pack, which included Geometry Wars 2, Bomberman Live, Lumines
Live, and a download code for Ms. Pac-Man.  The download code worked,
and so far, Geometry Wars 2 and Lumines Live work.  However, when I
load Bomberman Live, it requires an update.  I am then told that the
update can not be found, or that I have to re-download the entire
game.  I want to play Bomberman Live, since I paid for it, and I love
Bomberman.  Please make that happen.

I had already fully explained the situation in my original submission, so this brief reminder seemed appropriate.  I hoped this would have been sufficient to get them back on track and fix my issue.  Let’s read their next response (received on Tuesday) and see if they’ve managed to pull it together:

Hello Christopher,

Thank you for using XBOX Customer Support online! I am Jenice and I will be helping you today with this issue.

As I understand that when you try to download an update on your Xbox 360 console, the auto-update stops during the download and you do not receive an error message. Please be assured that I will do my best to help you resolve the issue.

Also, you may experience one of the following:

. The auto-update fails. You receive a connectivity error message, but when you test your connection to Xbox Live, you do not receive an error message.

. After you download an auto-update for a game, you receive a message that states that you must download the same auto-update.

. After you download an auto-update, you cannot connect to Xbox Live. Additionally, you cannot access functions that you could previously access.

Here are some things that you can try to resolve the issue or to determine what the cause is.

1.  If you experience the first or second symptom that is listed in the “Symptoms” section, use a direct connection to download the auto-update. For more information about how to set up a direct connection, visit the website: http://www.xbox.com/en-US/Support online/connecttolive/xbox360/connectionmethods/modem.htm

Note: This method applies to auto-updates for games and for the Xbox Dashboard.

2.  If you experience all the symptoms that are listed in the “Symptoms” section, delete the game data.

Warning: When you delete game data, you lose any saved game information.

Note: Copy the saved game data to a separate memory source so that you can restore the data if this step does not resolve the issue.

To delete game data, follow these steps:

a. Sign in by using your gamertag.

b. Move to the System section.

c. Select Memory, and then press the A button.

d. Select Hard Drive, and then press the A button.

e. Select Games, and then press the A button.

f. Select the profile that you want to view, and then press the A button.

g. On the Select Game screen, select the game for which the update will not download, and then press the Y button.

h. On the Game screen, press the A button to delete the game.

Note: The Delete option is the only option that is available on the Game screen.

i. On the Delete Item screen, select Yes, and then press the A button to confirm the deletion.

j. Press the B button four times to return to the System section.

k. Start the game, and then sign in to Xbox Live to download the update again.

If you need to reply to this e-mail, please reply ‘with history’ (include any previous e-mail) or reference to Service Request Number 1120205162 so we can expedite our service to you.

Thank you for visiting Xbox.com. If you should have future questions on Xbox products or services, please be sure to revisit our Web site as we are continually adding information to enhance our service.

Best Regards,

Jenice

Microsoft XBOX Support Services

http://support.microsoft.com/

Failure, again, to comprehend the simplest of explanations.  I reply thusly, having become slightly frustrated:

PLEASE READ MY EMAIL AND ANSWER INSTEAD OF CONTINUOUSLY SENDING
PRE-WRITTEN RESPONSES THAT HAVE NO RELEVANCE TO MY ISSUE:

“Good morning,

I am not having a problem with my Xbox Live connection.  I gave the
problem details in my original submission.  I purchased a new wireless
controller for my 360, and it came bundled with the Xbox Live Arcade
game pack, which included Geometry Wars 2, Bomberman Live, Lumines
Live, and a download code for Ms. Pac-Man.  The download code worked,
and so far, Geometry Wars 2 and Lumines Live work.  However, when I
load Bomberman Live, it requires an update.  I am then told that the
update can not be found, or that I have to re-download the entire
game.  I want to play Bomberman Live, since I paid for it, and I love
Bomberman.  Please make that happen.”

IT’S NOT THAT HARD!

At this point, I had given up on their ability to understand written language, so I decided that, perhaps, a more personal attempt should be made.  Yesterday, after sending my reply, I called Xbox support directly.  After I made my way through their interminable voice activated menu system (which I loathe, incidentally), I was greeted by “Jason,” and we were underway.  After explaining my issue to him (three times) in bits and pieces (due to his constant interruptions) he asked for my name and my Xbox Live gamertag.  Spelling my name for him took approximately five minutes, as I had to keep correcting his mistakes as he repeated it back to me.  My gamertag took an additional two or three minutes, as it is a whopping seven letters long, and well beyond his difficulty level, apparently.  At this point, his script told him to clarify the issue once more.  As he was explaining the issue, I again had to correct his mistakes and set the record straight, since apparently the first three explanations weren’t sufficient.  Eventually, we get to the troubleshooting point, and, as I was at work and not near my Xbox, he claimed he would not be able to help me, and asked me to call back later.  That cost me close to 45 minutes of my day.

I called back when I got home and spoke with “Brian.”  I explained my situation again (this time only twice) and awaited assistance.  My name and gamertag had already been recorded, apparently, so I was not required to suffer through such an ordeal again, thankfully.  I did have quite a hard time with this call, however, because of their hold system.  For some reason, during the hour long call, whenever I was put on hold I was not treated to smooth listening hold music, but dozens of technical support conversations all at once.  Needless to say, it was discomforting.  About 40 minutes in, the hold “noise” suddenly changed to the smooth listening music I had expected.  Approximately 30 seconds later, they corrected their apparent mistake and returned me to the cacophony that had been previously assaulting my senses.  I eventually was told that I would be given a download code for Bomberman Live, but that a higher level of support would have to give me the code.  He connected me with the higher level of support, “Aaron,” who proceeded to inform me (eventually, after more hold music and questions) that I would receive a callback from support in “48-72 hours” with a resolution to this issue.  Frustrated, I decided to accept this and end the call.  I now await the return call that will, ideally, give me download codes for not only Bomberman Live, but Geometry Wars: Retro Evolved 2 and Lumines Live, in case the same issue should arise with those games at a future date.

Now, some would think that this would be the end of the story.  I certainly did.  Unfortunately, we are quite mistaken.  Mere hours after my phone call ended, I received this third email from Xbox support:

Hello Christopher,

Thank you for contacting Microsoft online support for XBOX. I am Rio and I will be helping you today with this issue.

I understand that you are unable to access a downloaded content that you purchased from the Xbox live Marketplace.

My apologies for the inconvenience that you are having right now but rest assured that we will extend our resources to the full extent in order for us to help you regarding this concern.

Sometimes, you may not be able to access or use downloadable game content because the content has become corrupted.

Here are some things that you can try to resolve the issue:

1. Delete the downloadable content, and then download the content again. To delete downloadable game content that is corrupted, follow these steps:

a.       Sign in to Xbox LIVE by using your Gamertag.

b.      In the Xbox Dashboard, select System, and then press the A button.

c.       Select Memory, and then press the A button.

d.      On the Storage Devices screen, select Hard Drive, and then press the A button.

e.       On the Hard Drive screen, select Games, and then press the A button.

f.        On the Games screen, select the game title that you want, and then press the A button.

g.       On the individual game screen, select the downloadable content that you want to delete, and then press the A button.

h.       On the content screen, press the A button to delete the content.

Note Delete is the only option that is available on this screen.

i.         On the Delete Item screen, select Yes, and then press the A button to confirm the action.

j.        On the individual game screen, press the B button four times to return to the System section.

k.      Start the game that you want. Then, sign in to Xbox LIVE to download the game content again.

To download previously purchased or previously downloaded content, use one of the following methods.

Download from the Xbox 360 console.

1.                  Attach the hard drive or the memory unit to your Xbox 360 console.

2.                  Turn on your Xbox 360 console.

3.                  Sign in to Xbox LIVE by using the gamer profile that originally downloaded the content.

4.                  Press the Xbox 360 Guide button, and then go to the Settings area. Select Account Management, and then select Download History.

5.                  Select the content item, and then select Download Again to download the item.

6.                  Repeat step 5 for each item in your download history that you want to recover.

Download from Xbox.com

1.                  Visit the following Xbox LIVE Web Marketplace Web site to access the My Account area:

http://marketplace.xbox.com/en-US/myAccount/PurchaseHistory.aspx

2.                  Select each item that you want to download, and then click Add to Queue. The selected items will automatically appear in the console’s Active Downloads area of the console on which you are currently signed in to Xbox LIVE.

2. Clear the system cache.

To clear the Xbox 360 Hard Drive cache, follow these steps:

1. Reattach the Xbox Hard Drive.

2. Locate the System section of the Xbox 360 Dashboard.

3. Select Memory, and then press the Y button to view the device options screen.

4. On the Xbox 360 Controller, press the following items in this sequence:

• X button
• X button
• Left bumper
• Right bumper
• X button
• X button

5. When you are prompted to confirm system maintenance, select Yes by pressing the A button.

Should you need to reply to this e-mail, please reply ‘with history’ (include any previous e-mail) or reference to Service Request Number 1120205162 so we can expedite our service to you.

Thank you for visiting Xbox.com. If you should have future questions on Xbox products or services, please be sure to revisit our Web site as we are continually adding information to enhance our service.

Best Regards,

Rio

Microsoft XBOX Support Services

http://support.microsoft.com/

The point was missed yet again, unsurprisingly.  My reply requested that they stop sending me incompetent emails, as I had phoned tech support and received some modicum of understanding from their end.  We shall see what comes next.

All I wanted to do was play some fucking Bomberman Live.

-[insert revolutionary thinking here]

Whoever did this is a real asshole…

…

…

…

But it makes for a hilarious GIF!

That can’t have felt good.

-Because I said so

I like love NEED to wash my hands.  I wash them very thoroughly and very vigorously on a frequent basis.  If I touch our dog, I wash my hands.  If I touch a bathroom door (or anything in a bathroom), I wash my hands.  If I touch a slightly dirty dish, I was my hands.  If I touch my hands, I wash my hands!  Well, not so much that last one, but I am very neurotic about my hands.  Why does any of this matter?  My vigorous hand washing practices can sometimes leave water on the counter around the sink.  I can’t deny that.

And now, we come to the event that has inspired this post.  I, having felt the need, went to the bathroom to, as the plebeians say, “take a dump.”  Thankfully, nobody else was in the restroom when I entered (I have a thing about using the bathroom when people are around, or can hear me, or smell my emanations, etc, but that’s a story for a different day), so I proceeded to layer toilet paper over the seat.  I sat down and took my dump.  As I prepared to commence wiping duties (hehe, “duties”), someone entered the restroom and headed into the other stall.  I finished my task, and pulled up my pants (using toilet paper as a buffer between my dirty hands and my clean pants, of course).  I heard the other individual finish up his dump as I prepared to exit my stall.  I headed to the counter and started washing my hands thoroughly, getting some water on the counter as I reached for the soap dispenser.  The other man, whom we will call “Joe” (because that’s his name), headed to the counter as well, just as I finished rinsing the soap from my hands.

He proceeded to remark, “You know, I notice that every time you wash your hands, you leave water on the counter.  I usually clean it up, but then I wondered why the hell I was cleaning up your mess.  Pay attention like you do at home.”  He then left the bathroom after a quick two-second rinse of his hands (I kid you not).  This man, “Joe”, never washes his hands after peeing, and apparently is fine with a ridiculously quick rinse after crapping.  Were I slightly bolder and less courteous, I would have replied to his rudeness with a comment of my own, “I’m sorry, does it disgust you when I leave water on the counter?  Wash your goddamn hands, you disgusting son of a bitch.”

I said no such thing, unfortunately.  Maybe next time he brings a file into my office, I’ll tell him to go wash his hands and prepare a new copy of the file for me, because I know where his hands have been.

Fuck you, “Joe”.  Wash your fucking hands.

-Because I said so

This past Tuesday, Lindsey and I were jonesing for some sandwiches.  We had a coupon book that came in the mail for Subway, so we grabbed it and headed over.  We went to our favorite Subway location, which is only a couple of blocks from our apartment, at Willow and Herndon.  It’s clean, convenient, and next door to a GameStop, Target, and Best Buy.  Generally, they’re very nice people, but we were in for a surprise on this particular trip.

We decided to use two coupons.  The first coupon was for a six-inch meal deal (six-inch sandwich, chips, and a 21 ounce drink for $5).  The second coupon was a buy one get one free (free six-inch with purchase of any sub of equal or greater value and a 32 ounce drink).  We went in thinking that these coupons were fairly straightforward.  $5 meal deal, and free six-inch with the purchase of any sub of equal or greater value.  Notice that I placed emphasis on the word “any”.

We started ordering our sandwiches.  I ordered a footlong B.L.T., and she ordered two six-inch Turkeys.  The owner was working the register when we had our sandwiches ready.  I explained (twice, since he wasn’t paying much attention to us) what we wanted to do and how we wanted to apply the coupons.  We were going to use the $5 meal deal for one of her six-inch Turkeys, and the buy one get one free for her other six-inch Turkey from the purchase of my footlong B.L.T.  It was very clearly explained to him.  He started ringing things up, and applied the buy one get one free coupon first.  When he finished with that order, he asked if we wanted any chips or a drink with my footlong.  We were understandably surprised, as we were under the impression that he had just charged me for my footlong and free six-inch.  We looked over the coupon, and noticed that he had actually charged us for one Turkey, and made the other Turkey free, meaning our $5 meal deal coupon would not be useful.  We brought this to his attention, explaining a third time how we wanted the coupons used, and he began claiming, rather belligerently, that the coupon was buy one six-inch and get one six-inch free.  He claimed it was written right there on the coupon.  We took the coupon, and showed him that it said any sub, and did not, in fact, specify that it had to be a six-inch.  This exchange continued for two or three minutes, getting more heated as time passed.  Eventually, out of exasperation on his part, he reversed the original order and did it correctly, if grudgingly.

The coupon’s text was perfectly clear that any sub of greater or equal value would get you a free six-inch sub.  The only thing his temper tantrum was able to achieve was the loss of two customers.

Fuck you, Subway dude.

-Because I said so