The Dark Knight Rises, easily one of the most anticipated films of the summer, is now out. So, does it just rise, or does the Dark Knight soar? Before I go any farther, I want to send my condolences out to the victims of the shooting in Colorado. What happened was a cowardly act by a clearly deranged person to people who simply wanted to have a good time at the movies. Read the full story

With my step-daughter’s birthday last weekend being the extraordinarily exorbitant affair that it was, I was, in the simplest of terms…pooped. Therefore, there was no podcast episode last week. Problem? Tough. This week, “Old People Talking About Cartoons,” Episode 030 of Marooners’ Talk, starts off with a group of almost-30-somethings (the titular “Old People”) discussing (the titular “Talking About”) the recent return (upcoming return at the time of the recording) of Cartoon Network’s Toonami programming block (the titular “Cartoons”). I say “starts off,” because for the FIRST TIME EVER IN A MAROONERS’ TALK PODCAST, we go off on multiple tangents that end up taking up nearly two-thirds of the extra long one-and-a-half hour episode. Read the full story

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The sad fact is, DC comics has only one truly popular film character, and it’s Batman. This is not to say that recent efforts involving Superman or Green Lantern weren’t fun or enjoyable. It’s just that Batman consistently sets the bar high, despite a few stumbles. So let’s talk about the Batman films, not so much a review as just a “what worked and didn’t” look. And for clarification, I’m only doing the only-theatrical movies, so no films of the series, nor the animated series film (I already covered that one).

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With the announcement that the first trailer for The Dark Knight Rises is attached to the upcoming Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows Part 2, we’re finally going to get a glimpse of just what this eagerly anticipated film will be about. Until things are made official, I’m going to go on a little ramble about several theories I’ve both heard, and thought up on my own.

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Director Christopher Nolan’s (The Dark Knight, Memento, The Prestige) anticipated, mysteriously marketed ‘Inception‘ hit theaters this weekend and took audiences on a surprisingly addictive journey through the dream state. It has quickly become one of the most intriguing films of all time, raking in around $60.4 million this weekend alone, the biggest opening of actor Leonardo DiCaprio’s career, surpassing even that of ‘Titanic‘. With one of the best ensemble casts (including Ellen Page, Joseph Gordon-Levitt, Michael Caine, Tom Berenger, Tom Hardy and Marion Cotillard) and an impeccably directed script, a movie like this will resound for decades to come, a nearly spiritual journey to a greater catharsis. Read the full story

So Lindsey sends me an IM today mentioning that Target is having a sale on DVDs.  She mentions Wall-E, then The Dark Knight and Kung Fu Panda.  For various reasons, we do not yet own The Dark Knight or Kung Fu Panda, which, for me, is very strange.  I have a very large collection of DVDs, and I generally buy new releases that I want as soon as they hit the shelves.  Unfortunately, money has been somewhat tight lately due to our move, and other factors, so my DVD collecting has taken a hit.

Anyway, as soon as she mentioned The Dark Knight and Kung Fu Panda, I had a flash in my head (which happens often) of a new movie, The Dark Kung Fu Knight Panda.

I know.  I wonder about myself too, sometimes.  I don’t know where this crap comes from, but sometimes I’ll see two things and suddenly I’ll find myself combining them in my head, or thinking of extremely inappropriate, callous, or tasteless jokes, which I usually keep to myself.

But I won’t keep this to myself.  This is for everyone to enjoy.

The Dark Kung Fu Knight Panda starts off with Po Wayne, a panda who witnesses the murder of his parents in a bamboo alley.  Driven by grief, revenge, and justice, this panda spends his formative years learning the art of Kung Fu under the tutelage (heh, that word sounds funny) of the great Kung Fu master, Sir Firefox (seriously, it’s a real animal, and yes, in my mind, he has been knighted as a KBE, earning him the appelation of “Sir”).  On the tough streets of Guangothamzhou, a totally real city (except not), Po learns the identity of his parents’ murderer, and begins his quest of vengeance.  On the way, he is irritated by a man who will not stop trying to sell him lucky charms (not the cereal, but the talismans).  Since he is, at his very core, a Giant Panda, he attacks the man, mauling him terribly.  Po Wayne is then put down by a roaming gang of zookeepers for aggression against a human being.

What did they expect, letting a Giant Panda learn martial arts and allowing him to roam free?

Serves them bloody right.

-Because I said so