Posted on 23 February 2009.
So Lindsey sends me an IM today mentioning that Target is having a sale on DVDs. She mentions Wall-E, then The Dark Knight and Kung Fu Panda. For various reasons, we do not yet own The Dark Knight or Kung Fu Panda, which, for me, is very strange. I have a very large collection of DVDs, and I generally buy new releases that I want as soon as they hit the shelves. Unfortunately, money has been somewhat tight lately due to our move, and other factors, so my DVD collecting has taken a hit.
Anyway, as soon as she mentioned The Dark Knight and Kung Fu Panda, I had a flash in my head (which happens often) of a new movie, The Dark Kung Fu Knight Panda.
I know. I wonder about myself too, sometimes. I don’t know where this crap comes from, but sometimes I’ll see two things and suddenly I’ll find myself combining them in my head, or thinking of extremely inappropriate, callous, or tasteless jokes, which I usually keep to myself.
But I won’t keep this to myself. This is for everyone to enjoy.
The Dark Kung Fu Knight Panda starts off with Po Wayne, a panda who witnesses the murder of his parents in a bamboo alley. Driven by grief, revenge, and justice, this panda spends his formative years learning the art of Kung Fu under the tutelage (heh, that word sounds funny) of the great Kung Fu master, Sir Firefox (seriously, it’s a real animal, and yes, in my mind, he has been knighted as a KBE, earning him the appelation of “Sir”). On the tough streets of Guangothamzhou, a totally real city (except not), Po learns the identity of his parents’ murderer, and begins his quest of vengeance. On the way, he is irritated by a man who will not stop trying to sell him lucky charms (not the cereal, but the talismans). Since he is, at his very core, a Giant Panda, he attacks the man, mauling him terribly. Po Wayne is then put down by a roaming gang of zookeepers for aggression against a human being.
What did they expect, letting a Giant Panda learn martial arts and allowing him to roam free?
Serves them bloody right.
-Because I said so